I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize