Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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