I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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