i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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