At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
