I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
