You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
