he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Hippo gnu deer
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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