what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Randomize
