did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
