I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
How does it feel to date your dad?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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