got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
