im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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