When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
