Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
