ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Randomize
