hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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