I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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