Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
