Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
