dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
