apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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