So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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