im drinking this country out of the recession.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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