I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
