just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
