Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
