I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
