you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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