Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize