Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
