i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Randomize
