The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
i will never coherently bang her
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
