He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Randomize
