Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
