she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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