i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
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