I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
