this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
