i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
