I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
