So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
