i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
