He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
In other news, I just burned my penis
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
