So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
