I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
