shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Randomize
