Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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