That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
