That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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