I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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