i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
He did a backflip because drugs
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