Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
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