I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
you didnt know i had herpes?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
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