I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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