dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Are my feet made of real feet?
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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